The Unspoken Rules of Facebook

We all have those Facebook friends – the one’s with the 8 paragraph status updates, the one’s who post pictures of their kids every day, the one’s we’re jealous of, and the one’s that we actually have no clue who they are. Facebook is 10 years old, so why haven’t we figured out how to use it yet? Come on guys!

But lucky for you, I’ve been mental noting all of the Facebook faux-pas I’ve seen lately…. and to make everyone’s online experience more enjoyable, I’ve compiled them into a neat little list for you to share with all of your friends (just a subtle way of saying stop that). We’re all Facebook friends here, so let’s start practicing proper netiquette (remember when that was a word?). Presenting: The Unspoken Rules of Facebook, (in writing)!

Essay-style Facebook status updates are reserved for special occasions such as: anniversaries, deaths, births, marriages, new jobs, graduation, and other life events worthy of gifts. You are allowed one of these per year. Maybe one every 6 months if the status can achieve over 100 likes.

If you find you and your boyfriend breaking up every other week, please do not subject your friends to the constant switching of the relationship status. You will become a mockery.

Hash tags will always be reserved for Twitter, even if they now work on Facebook. Your parents have no clue what these are, and it’s near impossible to help them understand.

Check out today’s birthdays. If you can’t remember the last time you had a social interaction with this person (online or otherwise), may I direct your attention to the “Unfriend” button? No one’s going to miss the generic “Happy Birthday!” from that kid that sat behind them in grade 9 math class eight years ago.

The honest truth: everyone is laughing at that rant you just posted. If you’re that upset with the service at McDonald’s, please send their customer service team an email (at least they might send you a coupon in return!).

Facebook albums are to be used for vacation pictures only. That cleverly titled song lyric-esque photo album (RE: “We Gon Party All Night ‘Til the Break of Dawn ♥ xoxox”) is a treasure trove of clubbing pictures that gives employers way too many reasons to throw out your resume.

Do not, for the love of God, connect your Twitter updates to your Facebook page. No one wants to see that much of you on their timeline.

Oh, you’re pregnant? I was wondering why my Recent Updates has been flooded with pictures of your stomach for the past 6 months! Go figure! Congratulations, you’ve now made all of your single and baby bump-less friends hate you.

So you now have kids. Don’t even think about dedicating your timeline to pictures and updates of the latest cute ‘mess’ they made. Remember baby books? These are a nice way to keep track of all of those special moments without disturbing the rest of your online friends.

Pro Tip: Prevent your boyfriend’s crazy ex-girlfriend the satisfaction of being able to lurk all of your embarrassing profile pictures (yes, even those ones from your emo phase in high school) by changing your picture settings to “Friends Only”.

Selfies, food porn, and those artsy pictures of your daily Starbucks drink only belong on Instagram. Social media websites are complicated, I know.

We all know you replaced your last name with your middle name so you could continue to be inappropriate online without it affecting your career. Even Katrina Magda went through that phase, until she grew up. 

We shouldn’t be able to figure out who you’re voting for by simply reading your daily status update about the latest political dispute. Isn’t putting that election signage on your lawn enough?!

There is a special place in Facebook hell reserved for people who post status updates about: the weather, obviously huge current events, play-by-plays of sporting events, and other statements comparable to “the sky is blue”. Wouldn’t it be interesting to find out how many people have hidden your updates from their timeline?

Farmville, Bubble Blast, Candy Crush, etc. You play these in your spare time? Maybe during work too? Good for you, we need under productive people in the world so the rest of us can get to the top. I’m not saying that these games can’t be a sort of guilty pleasure, but maybe stop sending out all of those mass invites and requests (particularly to your boss and co-workers).

Don’t be the friend that ruins the season finale of that show for everyone else. Spoilers are just, no.

So? Are you a good Facebook friend? Or do you run the risk of being hidden or worse, deleted? If we could all just follow these simple rules, we may be able to save our favourite (*debatable) social network from going the way of MySpace. 

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4 thoughts on “The Unspoken Rules of Facebook

  1. I love this. You have perfectly said everything I think on a daily basis when I scroll through Facebook. 😀 I really wish people would follow these rules!

  2. I died at the part when you said to not send game invites to your boss. I don’t play any games on Facebook but I was very surprised to find my boss had invited me to play Candy Crush with her lol. It was a very awkward next day when I hadnt accepted her invite

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